The Fish and Wildlife Service recently reported that the hunting sports have sprung back to life. The sports previously associated with fat old men stumbling through the woods attempting to prove their manhood are gaining in popularity with the ladies and with the young. The number of hunters in the U.S. has jumped 9% between 2006 and 2011. With 13.7 million hunters walking the continent with weapons in hand, some of their targets have been changing. Some of the targets are old and hunters are stalking them again. Some of the hunts are brand new, filled with challenges from PETA observers and government spies.
Women are the fastest growing demographic in hunting sports. Between 2008 and 2009 the total number of hunters in the U.S. decreased by 0.5%, but the number of female hunters increased by 5.4%, growing the number of new participants by 163,000. Muzzleloaders were up 134.6%, bow hunters were up 30.7% and hunting with firearms was up 3.5%.
Corey Cogdill, 2008 Olympic bronze medalist in trap shooting, and Connie Smotek, a two-time Olympic skeet shooter and a bronze medalist in the 2009 World Cup, are amongst the many female shooters who have brought women into what used to be a man’s sport. Kim Rhode, a double-trap and skeet shooter, has won four of the ten Olympic shooting medals won by women in the last four Olympics. Connie Smotek is still an avid bird and big-game hunter who says,
“Shooting and hunting are activities which a woman can enjoy for a lifetime.”
The demographics of hunting have changed, but the targets have also changed. Some of the oldest targets of the past were wolves and coyotes. Hungry wolves and coyotes often turn to livestock, small children and pets when their natural prey is in short supply.
Gray wolves were on the endangered species until last year when Congress yielded to pressure from hunting and livestock groups. In the 2012 hunting season 61 wolves were killed in Montana, 96 were killed in Idaho and 34 were killed in Wyoming. The combined total of 191 killed wolves represented 11% of the region’s 2011 population estimate of 1,774. Montana and Idaho no longer limit the number of wolves that can be harvested except in certain areas. Even collared wolves from Yellowstone National Park are being killed by hunters. Seven of them were shot in November 2012 when they wandered from the park.
New Mexico had a two-day open hunt for coyotes in November. Hunters were allowed to shoot and kill as many coyotes as they could. The coyote population in the state had grown to over 300,000 and ranchers were thousands of their calves to the hungry poachers. The hunt was challenged, however, by animal rights petitioners and protesters from the Coexist with Coyotes group in the state. Gunhawk Firearms, which sponsored the coyote-hunting contest, ignored angry phone calls and complaints. One of the local idiots threatened to dress in a “coyote outfit” in the hopes that one of the shooters would feel guilty after killing the brainless human wearing the suit.
An old hunting sport making a huge comeback in the U.S. is pigeon shooting. The sport was once included in the Olympic Games. The event in 1900 challenged Olympic shooters to kill as many of the birds as possible. The pigeons were released in front of the shooters and the winner of the event was the shooter who downed the most birds. Participants were eliminated after missing two birds. Nearly 300 birds were killed in the messy event which sent blood and feathers everywhere. Dead and injured birds littered the grounds and pelted many of the spectators. Women were weeping under their blood-spattered parasols if they were lucky enough to have brought one. The disgruntled ladies promised to boycott future Olympics if the bloody event was ever held again. They won that battle.
The Paris 1900 Olympics was famous for another historical first — women were allowed to participate in a couple of the competitions. Croquet was a new event that year. Only one spectator bought a ticket to the event so it too was omitted from future games.
Pigeons, carrying all of their filth and disease, have returned as worthy targets for hunters. Nearly everyone hates the constantly-cooing, “winged rats.“ God knows there are good reasons for our disdain. Here are just a few:
• They are overly successful promoting their species, breeding up to six times a year.
• They carry many diseases.
• They eat growing crops.
• They make their deposits anywhere and everywhere, without an ounce of discretion. They ruin signs, rooftops and car finishes.
• They reserve park benches and tables by pooping on them.
• They take over streets, public squares, businesses and private homes.
• You can’t get rid of them. You can’t scare them away. They recognize fake snakes, fake lizards and fake owls. You can throw things at them, yell at them and you can spend hundreds of dollars trying to use wires, electrical charges, spikes, sticky goo and noisemakers; but you can’t get rid of the filthy fowl. They keep coming back and leaving more crap!
I am thrilled to report that shooters worldwide are targeting the avian pests! Shooters in the UK are leading the way.
The U.S. is closing in. A Banks County hunting club regularly sponsors pigeon shooting competitions at the Wing Pointe commercial hunting grounds in Pennsylvania. The resort’s hunting grounds are hidden on the top of a hill and they are surrounded by a thick ring of trees. SHARK (SHowing Animals Respect and Kindness) protesters have found the woods impenetrable and have sent drones to record the pigeon shooting contests. The hunters have responded by shooting the SHARK drones from the hunting grounds’ skies. Four of the SHARK “octocopters” have been downed by the pigeon shooting experts who must have mistaken the octocopter for a pigeon breeding party in the sky. Eight birds cooing wildly in the air while trying to overpopulate the Philadelphia area deserved everything they got. The shooter that took them out was rewarded with a lifetime supply of ammo.
Look at the feces nests the foul pests build for their young.
Yes, it’s time to return pigeon shooting to the Olympic Games. I’ll buy the first ticket! I’m sure we can recruit plenty of female shooters to rid the earth of the filthy, winged rats. The vermin have taken control in Europe.
They have turned Europe’s parks, squares and cities into places you wouldn’t want to visit without carrying an umbrella . . . or protection of some sort.
Who would want to listen to the drone of constantly cooing pigeons?
Who would want their cars to look like this one?
Who would want their rooftops to look like these?
ATTENTION LADIES: Put away your pencils and your pens.
GRAB YOUR DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUNS!!!
If SHARK, or PETA, or government drones get in the way, just fire a couple of shots and tell them you thought someone was outside and that he was after you. You’ll be doing exactly what Joe Biden told women to do:
Fire your two shots, put your shotgun down, and pick up your AR-15. Grab your high-capacity magazines and fire away! To HELL with the drones! Aim high if you need to! Set your sights on the new shooting events scheduled for the 2016 Summer Olympics. Aim for a U.S. sweep of the gold, silver and bronze medals. In the meantime, your practice will help clean up America’s cities and rid them of the flying vermin!
Rumors are circulating that with all of the crap that’s landed on the White House lately, Michelle has had the President working on his shooting skills. She, too, is tired of the messes!
Observers say he’s still missing all the targets (and no one is surprised), because the President’s only focus has been to repeal the 22nd Amendment. He wants to run again in 2016.
My lobbyists are hard at work. They have assured me that pigeon shooting will reappear in Brazil at the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Look for me just outside the venue near the ticket takers. Look for the old man selling olympic-sized umbrellas. After the awards ceremony, my team will be selling souvenir photos autographed by and taken with the medal winners.
“Boa sorte e bom tiro!”
(Portuguese transl. “Good luck and good shooting!)
Until then, my friends.
Comments will only be accepted from those who have been fouled by the “winged rat” phenomenon.